Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
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[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
dam girl
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
When you’re here for the treats.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.