“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
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My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
O Wise One….
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
good work, detective
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Acronyms got me like WTF?
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”