guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
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Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”