Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
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ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.