Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
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[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them