Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
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Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.