Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
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my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
We need to put an American base on the sun
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!