I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
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If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
How dude HOW?!
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.