When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
You Might Also Like
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
School be like
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT