We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
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When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Trumpy Cat
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.