[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
You Might Also Like
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.