My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
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I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
vegan witches, happy halloween!
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
We found love in a hopeless place.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*