When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
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Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.