Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
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First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Otters drive ottermobiles.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”