me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
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My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.