robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
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Well, this certainly took a turn
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨