PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
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I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Don’t make me out nice you.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Just how popey was the pope today?
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant