7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
You Might Also Like
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Danger is very dangerous
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
#FunnyLife Insects
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.