if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
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An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Jupiter
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.