I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
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[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.