[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
You Might Also Like
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.