Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
You Might Also Like
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.