The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
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me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Why is everyone getting married at me
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.