My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
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♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
scares
I just love that new Pope smell.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Got him!
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion