She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
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Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
The only equipped I am is ill.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
*gets down on one knee*
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake