Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
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I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
The cashier just checked me out.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.