[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
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I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.