There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
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Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.