My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
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cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Seems a bit forward
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell