Breaking news:
You Might Also Like
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
the red hot silly peppers
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex