Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
You Might Also Like
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Guy who likes music
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
WHY?!
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?