Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
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[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Do not steal food from the science building!
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.