alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
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*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Me when my alarm goes off
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Ok who’s got my black socks?
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……