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Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
excuse me
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
an octopus is just a wet spider
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.