[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
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“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car