Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
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“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.