The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
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You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.