Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
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I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now