A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
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Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Note to self: I am a note
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”