Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
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[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
The Book. The Movie.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”