I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
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airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
A ghost story
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light