I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
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She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
so much to do
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
#growingpains
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.