which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
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Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
kitchen magnet
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…