[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
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[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*