Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
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There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean