Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
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Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
some cats are just doing for fun!
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.