I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
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[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
🤣🤣🤣
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba