If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
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my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.