Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
You Might Also Like
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
awkward
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Spa day..😅
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows