Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
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Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.